Lately I’ve played a few gigs with a band called Awesome Hotcakes. Spike Sikes is the leader, and there are men on bass, drums, and trumpet. I’m the only woman, but it’s been a 100% great experience. (The people, at least. I’m never 100% satisfied with my improv.)

Last week we played at a cool live music venue, and when we were done, a woman came up to me. I’m guessing by the age of her children that she was about 50.

“Are you related to Sean by any chance?” she asked.

I told her that yes, he was my husband. My husband is well known in town for teaching music. He has taught thousands of kids band and choir in town, and everybody knows him. The woman told me who her kids were.

And then she said, “It’s nice that you have your own thing.”

“Yes,” I thought. “It darned well is.”

But later, I thought, “How sad is it to think that those words would never be said to a man?” Can you imagine a popular female elementary school teacher’s husband being told “How nice that you have your own thing?” It’s absurd to even think about, and yet it seemed like a perfectly normal thing for her to say to me at the time, and most women know the feeling of either not having our own thing or feeling exceptional, bold, or lucky because we have our own thing.

There was nothing wrong with what she said. There’s also nothing wrong with women who want “their own thing” to be raising kids or being a good wife. I just think it’s a little sad that it’s something we women have to say to each other. And make no mistake, we do say it to each other all the time in a hundred different variations of “good for you having your own thing,” or “make sure you have your own thing.”

When I got married and moved to my husband’s hometown twenty years ago, it was not easy. I was the woman standing and smiling while her husband chatted with an old friend or a grateful band parent. Then I was the woman entertaining her baby while her husband chatted with an old friend or a grateful band parent. I really didn’t feel like I had my own thing for a while.

I don’t mean to say I’ve had no opportunities. The Sonoma County Philharmonic seemed perfectly happy to have a woman on trombone. When I played with the ska band The Hoovers, they didn’t balk at my being a woman either.

But it’s still seen as special to have your own thing after getting married. Why? This question might seem like no big deal to many people, but I think it gets at something deep in our culture. I’m quite sure I haven’t gotten to my deepest thoughts about it yet. The statement is still simmering in my brain. It’s nice that you have your own thing. It’s nice that you have your own thing.

Women, have you heard this statement? I’d like to hear your thoughts and experiences.

(P.S. Come hear me with Awesome Hotcakes (tall stack edition!) June 10th at The Geyserville Gun Club Bar and Lounge in Geyserville, CA, 8:30 P.M.)

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